Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
