Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
