His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
