I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
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