omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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