That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
you never un-have a 4some
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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