Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
These 31 People Are Lazier Than You Could Ever Imagine
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
27 Drunk People That Pissed Off The Cops And Got What They Deserved
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same