so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Randomize
