before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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