You made me cry and you don't even care
I cannot find my penis.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
