She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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