Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
i think i just lost a toe
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
