Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
