I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
