My balls are so social today.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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