I just made out with a guy for $7.
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
