Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
