just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Randomize
