So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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