That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Randomize
