Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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