just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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