my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
You did what with his pubic hair?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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