highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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