Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
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This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
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I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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