just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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