her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
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i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
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He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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