Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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