Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Less talking, more tequila
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
