i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
The police scanner is talking about you again....
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Randomize
