Kiss
Puke
A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
