I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
