If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
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I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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