I showed him my bush... on skype.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Randomize
