whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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