you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
