The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
