if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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