Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
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