I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
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