in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
