Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
