Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
