my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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