Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
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