if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
