Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
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