I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Randomize
