I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
