$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
His nipple licking is glorious
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