and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
