I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
