1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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