I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Watching her eat just hurts me
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Randomize
