God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
