was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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