my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
