Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Randomize
