I think my fart just growled at me.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I'm sobbing to NWA
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