We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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