i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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